Making Friends With Depression
Suicide Prevention Month: My story
In honor of Suicide Prevention Month, this episode shares a personal journey from surviving suicide attempts to advocating for mental health. Learn the importance of open dialogue and education in saving lives.
Listen to the Audio
Episode Transcript
Hi Friend. This episode starts with a trigger warning and will be different from past episodes.
You won’t hear any plugs to join my newsletter, buy merch, or support the show. In today’s episode, I want to talk about something serious.
September is Suicide Awareness Month. In this episode, I’ll be sharing some personal stories about attempts I’ve taken in the past, self-harm, and addiction. If these types of episodes are not for you, I recommend skipping this one and checking out a past episode.
If you decide to listen, please know I’m sharing these sensitive stories to help others feel comfortable about reaching out and talking to someone.
If you’re in immediate distress, please call or text 988 now or chat with the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988lifeline.org.
Host Introduction
Hello friend, and welcome back to another edition of Making Friends with Depression. I am your host, Charles Minguez.
Before we dive into the show, I want to share some background information, so you know why I’m doing this podcast and where I’m coming from.
My History With Depression and Mindfulness
My history with depression and mindfulness goes something like this. I’ve lived most of my life with major depression and schizoaffective disorder. I was first diagnosed at 13, and I’m now in my 40’s. So, mental illness and wellness have been a big part of my life.
I have spent over twenty years studying mindfulness. I started with yogic philosophy at the Yoga Life Institute. But over time, I found my way to Buddhism. I’m a practicing Buddhist and sometimes teach beginner meditation classes.
As my healing progressed, I volunteered with the National Alliance on Mental Illness, also known as NAMI, and facilitated meetings for adults experiencing poor mental wellness.
My story, plus my lived experience, is something that I hope others find inspirational. My motivation, however, is to give back and help others. This podcast is one way that I can do that.
I Am Not a Therapist
But listen, I’m not a therapist or a counselor. The content on this show is not meant to be taken as medical advice. I’m only trying to inspire hope by sharing my story and the techniques that helped me during my healing process because I think you’ll find them helpful, too.
Now for today’s show: Suicide Prevention Month
September is Suicide Prevention Month, a topic near and dear to my heart. I’ve lost friends to suicide. It’s suicide that brought me to my current spiritual practice and this path I’m on now. However, not all individuals who suffer from suicidal thoughts are lucky enough to survive.
I want to change that, and I want to help others be free of their suffering. To do that, hoping that others may hear my story and reach out for help, I’d like to share my personal experience with attempted suicide.
Suicide: First Attempt
The first time I attempted suicide was in the sixth grade. I tore a sheet off my bed, twisted it tight, and tried hanging myself. It didn’t work, and I fell to the floor with tears in my eyes. And from that day on, I became aware of an overpowering internal scream that began to choke out my inner light.
That internal screaming came from the pain of longing to express the hurt inside. However, there was nobody there to listen. At that time, too much was going on in my home life. So the screaming gets louder and more intense, and I tune out the world around me, focusing on the sound of noise boiling up from my insides.
Eventually, the screaming seemed to quiet, not because it was going away, but because I was becoming consumed by the noise. When you’re in this state, you feel nothing; no love, no hate, and there’s no motivation to get out of bed, bathe, or even brush your teeth. You’re just numb.
Suicide: Second Attempt
By the time I attempted suicide again, I was 17 and a complete addict. The numbness grew cold, and I over-indulged in whatever intoxicants I found, hoping they might rekindle whatever emotions might be left. It doesn’t work, so I start self-mutilating, thinking, “Maybe this is the only way I can feel?”
One night, I gathered alcohol, pills, pot, and cocaine – I took everything I had. As the mixture of drugs began to kick in, I remember my breathing becoming labored and my heart racing. Lying in my bed, I made peace with whatever god or spirit I thought was out there and closed my eyes.
The following day, I awoke in the same position and clothes. The only difference was that I had wet myself. I can remember the sensation of extreme confusion and grogginess washing over me as I realized what had happened. I was pissed.
The Change
It took me three hospital visits, years of therapy, and finding an active spiritual practice to overcome my inner demons. It is because I had access to these facilities that I survived. Many people around the world do not. I’d probably be dead if I didn’t get the help.
With that said, suicide and mental illness are not something to joke about or casually playoff by saying, “You’ll get over it.” People who have suicidal thoughts need open communication; they need to feel comfortable and accepted by those around them so that they can open up about what is hurting them. It’s a shame that so many people never get the opportunity to express their pain and release it safely.
If we, as a community, as a culture of compassionate beings, could allow ourselves to discuss our deepest fears, anxieties, and what keeps us awake at night, there would be no stigma surrounding mental illness. We need to get comfortable speaking about suicide prevention and awareness. Can you imagine a world where we can all unite and pour our hearts out? How does that feel? It feels fantastic, doesn’t it?
Moving Forward
Looking back on my situation, it takes my breath away. To think that when I was thirteen, I was so distraught that I expected the only way to end the pain was by taking my own life. I pray daily that none of my children have to experience that type of pain.
Throughout my life, I have lost friends and seen friends deal with the loss of family members who died by suicide and addiction. It’s horrible to witness. There are so many questions for those left behind that never get answered.
The sad truth is that it doesn’t have to be this way. In many cases of death by suicide, you hear friends and family say, “We had no idea.” If we can drop the stigma, cultivate compassion, and feel comfortable turning to a community in our times of need, then addressing mental illness would be far easier for all parties. The path to healing would be clear.
Suicide Prevention: What We Can Do to Help
We can do many things to help change the current situation, but a significant first step involves education. Check out the National Alliance on Mental Health’s (NAMI) website to learn more. NAMI offers a ton of free educational resources and ways to get involved, so check out their site.
Also, if you’re hearing this episode and suffering from mental illness or have suicidal thoughts. I beg you to call or text 988. There is hope, and people believe in you. I believe in you!